Archive for the ‘April Fools’ Category

A Cure for Information Overload Discovered

April 1, 2013

We have found what we believe is a Cure for Information Overload. I’m not sure about all of the conclusions, but it sure is an interesting theory. Make sure you check it out.

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Canada to Spring Ahead for Better Weather

April 1, 2009

In a surprising announcement today in Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that Canada intends to move the official start of spring from March 21 to February 21 beginning in 2009.  The reason for the move of the start of spring comes after a particularly long and hard winter.  By starting spring a month earlier, it will be the best way to improve the weather in Canada, said Harper during the news conference.

China Agrees to RPS to Resolve Conflict in Tibet

April 1, 2008
Sun Jiazheng

Reuters News has reported that Buddhist monks from the Institute of Buddhist Dialectics, based in Dharamsala, India have agreed to settle the ongoing conflicts between Chinese soldiers and the people of Tibet by playing Rock, Paper Scissors.

Tenzin Lopal Phayla of the Institute of Buddhist Dialectics is ready to play Chinese Minister of Culture, Sun Jiazheng in an online game of Rocks, Paper Scissors. The best two out of three Rocks, Paper Scissors will take plane on Tuesday April 1, 2008 in Amsterdam. Based on the outcome, the Chinese will either withdraw all their soldiers from Tibet or Tibetans will agree to lead a peaceful procession towards repossession of their ancient homelands by the Chinese government soldiers currently in the capital of Tibet.

The game will take place on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 in Amsterdam under the watchful eyes and monitoring of a group of Mexican and Syrian officials under the guidance of the United Nations. The game will begin with a prayer. It is rumored that as many as 5,000 Buddhist Monks will be chanting for peace while the Chinese will be hoping to continue their crackdown and victory over the Tibetans. The monks from the Institute of Buddhist Dialectics will also be involved in an ongoing hunger strike to emphasis their plight. Their hope is that this will bring world attention to the fact that China is no longer able to produce enough food to feed its people let alone the people of Tibet. It is also reported that Tenzin Lopal Phayla has been studying Rock, Paper Scissors Strategies that will result in a quick victory over their Chinese counterparts. It is not known how much experience Sun Jiazheng has playing Rock, Paper Scissors other than watching his sons play it.

After the games, the monks are planning to hold a peace march to appeal international community to support Tibetan people’s rightful and nonviolent struggle and help accomplish their goal of returning back to their motherland rather than be joined to China. If there is to be any annexing of Tibet, the Buddhist monks have expressed interested in becoming a colony of Belgium.

World Wide Cleaning of Internet

April 1, 2008

TO: All Internet Users

From: Dr. Harold Davidson
Manager, Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff
Information Technology
Central Texas University
Killeen Texas

Subject: Internet Cleaning

PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON TO OTHER USERS!

As many of you know, each year since 2000 the internet must be shut down for a period of 24 hours in order to allow it to be cleaned. This is a direct result of some much internet traffic. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mails and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster internet for everyone world wide.

This year, the responsibility for this cleaning process falls on Central Texas University. The cleaning will take place from 12:01 AM CST on April 1 until 12:01 PM CST on April 1, 2008. During that time 12 hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274H21) situated around the world will search the internet and delete any data that they find. There will be a sixth computer located at the Johnson Space Center in Houston Texas that will also be involved.

In order to protect all your valuable data and programs from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their local internet connections.
2. Shut down all internet servers or disconnect them from the internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any way.
5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster ovens near any computer modems.
6. Avoid wearing any nylon (or other dielectric fibre) undergarments because of the
possibility of electric discharge and resulting injury.
7. Turn off all radios within 7 feet of your computer.

We understand the inconvenience that this brief interruption of service may cause some internet uses and we apologize for this. However, we are certain that any inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the internet once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation

Dr. Harold Davidson
Manager, Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff
Information Technology
Central Texas University
Killeen, TX

Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number of internet users has grown dramatically. There are now over 18.9 billion users connected to the internet at any one time. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting this message where all users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well. Thank you.

Canada to Adopt Portable Postal Codes

July 1, 2007

On Friday, March 30, 2007 the Globe and Mail reported that the Government of Canada in collaboration with Canada Post plans to launch a national “Portable Postal Code” program. Under the Go Postal Program, Globe and Mail reporter Wendy Seabrook reported that Canadians will be able to keep their current postal codes no matter where in Canada they move, whether it is across the country or across town. On March 17, 2007, Prime Minister, Stephen Harper announced that the CRTC ruled that mobile phone customers would soon be able to keep their telephone numbers with them when they changed carriers. That made it possible for a person to retain a familiar number even when switching, say from Bell to Telus or Rogers and even from traditional phone service to cell phone service. At the time of the announcement by the Prime Minister, no one anticipated the cascading effect this would have. Now the concept has spilled over onto another branch of the federal government. The Globe and Mail’s Wendy Seabrook reports on the latest expansion of portability. If you were sitting far in the back of the packed Federal Conference Centre room in downtown Ottawa you may have missed the smile that broke across the faces of the 15 Canada Post employees on the rostrum. But smiles they were indeed — as the afternoon’s surprise announcement was read at the end of the usual daily briefing to reporters by the Assistant Postmaster General Lester Crandall.

“I’m pleased to announce a new feature of our on-going “Go Postal” campaign,” said Crandall. “It’s yet another step to modernize the Canadian postal system and satisfy our customers.
“Every year thousands of Canadians are on the go: People who must relocate for work or other reasons. Those people may have been quite attached to their original homes or an adopted town or city of residence. For them this innovative measure will serve as an umbilical cord to the place they love best.

“So it is with great pride and pleasure I tell you that starting next month, the national Portable Postal Codes program will commence in Ontario. Every month after that it will expand to include another Province and Territory until everyone in Canada can take their postal code with them wherever they chose. With it, Canadian citizens will be able to keep their present postal codes wherever they chose to live, across the country or across town.”

Crandall said that while the plan would at first take some getting used to, the kinks could easily be worked out. He’s expected to meet with representatives of the nation’s mail carriers union next week to work on details.

While the portable postal codes code bid is subject to approval by the Privy Council’s Oversight Committee, it is expected to face no opposition in the Senate’s Select Committee on Communications Technologies which has a majority of conservative members. However, NDP Senator Phil Spigel of Burns Lake British Columbia is likely to be very much against any measure that brings change to the Canada Post or any other government service.

“This is like Kinko’s expanding its reproductive services to include gynecology,” said Senator Phil Spigel of Burns Lake. He spoke with the Globe by satellite phone from Portugal, where he is on a fact-finding mission with the singer and Juno Nominee, Nelly Furtado.

“Call me old-fashioned, but our Canadian postal codes were meant to stay put,” he said. “They serve a clear, unambiguous purpose: They tell the postal worker on his or her route where you live. When I return to Ottawa at the end of March — to postal code K1A 0A4, to be exact — I’m certain I’ll be thinking long and hard of maybe voting against it unless I hear some pretty darn good reasons for any change to something that works. If it works why change it?”

But many people feel otherwise, especially considering the labour move in Alberta. A modern, mobile society — they argue — can no longer afford to remain grounded in locale-specific postal codes. Proponents of portability say a postal code is a badge of honor, an emblem symbolizing a citizen’s place in the demographic, rather than geographic, landscape.

Richard Henoffer, of Pembroke Ontario is a stockbroker and he whole heartedly supports the new portable postal code program. “I was born and raised in Pembroke, Ontario.,” Henoffer said. “I use to spend my winters ice-fishing with friends on the Ottawa River. But my company moved me to Toronto, which was hard enough. But then the post office said I had to change my postal code. I couldn’t be K1S 3Y1 anymore. And that really hurt. It was like I was out on the Ottawa River fishing you know, and suddenly like the ice wasn’t here.”

The stationary system of Canadian Postal codes has been in place for decades now, and in that time those letters and numbers evolved from just a series of digits to a status symbol — like an expensive watch or a handsome hairpiece.

For years critics of the Canadian postal system insisted that opposition to mobility of postal codes was a ploy by Canada Post to further exert control over people’s lives. Rex Murphy heads Citizens for Retention of All Postal Services. You can visit their web site at: Citizens for Retention of All Postal Services

“They just didn’t get it,” said Murphy. “They didn’t understand that people work hard to get an R3C 4L8 postal code — moving shouldn’t disconnect them from that part of their lives. Postal Codes are no different than names. You wouldn’t want the government to tell you that you had to change your name when you moved to Winnipeg, would you? So why should you be shamed by being stripped of the postal code you may have grown up with when you move? I applaud this new plan.”

The new vanity portable postal code feature is only the latest addition to the Go Postal program, which began last April 1. Canada Post officials report that Go Postal has already been a success, with millions of tax payer dollars of new revenue coming from the introduction of pop-up ads on postage stamps. Canada Post is hoping to issue the first portable postal codes on April 1, 2007. But first the Senate House subcommittee must override an anticipated veto. If that passes, the full Senate will have to take up the three riders attached to the bill by the postal subcommittee. If that fails, then only a 4-5 measure in both houses can pass. Only time will tell where this all stands.

FedEX Introduces Overnight PeoplePak in Canada

June 1, 2007

MEMPHIS, TN C Federal Express Corporation stunned the air travel and commercial shipping industries today when president and CEO Theodore Weise unveiled plans to begin shipping live humans as early as April 1, 2001, offering frugal travelers the lowest airfares in U.S. history and sparking heated controversy among top industry professionals.

The new service, Overnight PeoplePak,7 will rely on the same rock solid infrastructure and delivery history that have turned FedEx Pak, FedEx Box, and FedEx Letter into household words, as well as breakthrough technology developed exclusively for the international shipping giant. Through an exclusive agreement with AT&T’s Bell Laboratories, scientists and engineers developed the proprietary PeoplePak shipping envelope, which will protect human cargo from the rigors of overnight shipping while still permitting practical global air travel for as little as US$89 each way.

The new envelopes measure 7’x3’x10″ (empty) and are designed to accommodate a single adult male or female up to 230 lbs. Roughly comparable to an oversized sleeping bag, the revolutionary containers consist of multiple layers of synthetic polymer insulation C wrapped around a rigid fiberglass skeleton designed to prevent serious injury from stacking or accidental dropping C and a porous outer “skin” to improve airflow to occupants. Additionally, a flexible flame retardant membrane just beneath the surface protects travelers from the hazards of flight in non pressurized cargo aircraft.

Bell Labs expects to have a child size container available early next year, and plans are reportedly underway for scaled down models that could accommodate mid to large sized domestic pets.

While expensive to manufacture, costing nearly $17,000 apiece, the envelopes are designed to be reused up to 1,000 times, and Weise is betting thrifty travelers will prefer the moderate inconvenience of traveling in a dark pouch to being gouged by ever rising airline fares.

“I’m confident the Overnight PeoplePak service is something Americans have been wanting for a long time,” said Weise, speaking at a press conference at FedEx headquarters. “Since 1973, FedEx has proven its delivery reliability again and again, and with today’s rising airline costs spiraling out of control, we feel now is the perfect time to give travelers a new option.”

Weise deftly removed the velvet cloth covering a PeoplePak standing nearby and was met with thunderous applause and gasps of amazement. He then stepped down from his podium as other executives began escorting members of the press to the giant envelope for closer inspection.

Even as threatening letters and phone calls began pouring into Weise’s office from outraged airline executives and FAA officials, the stoic executive remained confident.

“I fully expected these reactions from the airline big boys,” he stated firmly. “After all, it’s my intention to take millions [of dollars] out of their pockets, if not more.”

“And as for the FAA,” he continued. “They’re always like this. A couple people accidentally explode during decompression testing and suddenly they’re all over your ass. But I’m sure they’ll come around by April.”

In an effort to exploit the class competition among airline passengers, FedEx will offer three tiers of PeoplePak service. Basic service will offer only the pouch and guaranteed next day delivery; Extra7 will include a pack of peanuts and heating controls in the envelope for added comfort; and Max7 C the PeoplePak equivalent of First Class C will feature a myriad of in pouch storage pockets for travelers’ personal effects, a battery powered reading light, a Lunchable7 snack treat (including juice box), and an ultra compact Porta Pottie.

Copyright May 2007 breaking news

CyberFlu Virus Warning

April 1, 2006

The National Center for Virus Control has issued a Threat Level 5 warning about a new internet virus that can be transmitted from computers to humans, resulting in flu-like symptoms. Unlike traditional viruses that are spread by email or software downloads, this “CyberFlu” virus is transmitted to your PC when you browse a web page infected with the virus. The good news is that the CyberFlu virus will not harm your computer and no data will be lost. Your PC just acts as a carrier. But, under certain circumstances, the virus can be transferred from your PC to your body through contact. At risk areas on your computer include disk drives, CDROM drives, USB ports (used by memory sticks, music players, etc.) so do not come in contact with these devices. You can not get the virus just by using your keyboard or mouse, but it can be passed to you or your computer from other peoples’ disks/CDROMs.

People with weakened immune systems, pre-existing medical conditions, kids, and the elderly are especially susceptible to the virus. Flu vaccinations do not protect against this new strain, although researchers are working on creating a new vaccine for it. Symptoms include: fever, chills, headaches, weakness, tiredness, itching, muscle aches, loss of appetite, bloody nose, blurry vision, drooling, seizures, coughing, stretch marks, sore throat, toenail fungus, stuttering, and diarrhea. If you think you are infected, please contact your doctor. Eating chocolate and other cocoa based products (like coffee, Cocoa Puffs, chocolate milk, etc.) has been reported to make the symptoms worse. The CyberFlu can be treated with prescription medication and has no long term effects, but early treatment will lessen the severity of the infection.

Why It Looks This Way

March 14, 2005

PI Altititude